Apple announces details of iPad 2: Exclusive!

Gotcha going, didn’t I?

Heart racing? Finally (finally, for a second time, as a certain Mr D. Johnson might say), the details on the new iPad, here and exclusive to MacTheMag!

Except that, as that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach might just be informing you right about ... now ... I don’t have any such details at all. I don’t know what the details of the iPad 2 are, or when it’ll launch, or what colours and/or flavours it will come in. Although, more on that shortly. I’ll just pause for a second to duck the rancid tomatoes that are no doubt heading my way. Please, please, remove them from the cans before throwing.

This week, the web’s been ablaze with what’s not a great deal more than speculation about the launch date for the next generation iPad model. “Apple to launch iPad2 on March 2” reads one headline. “Apple iPad 2 Launch Coming March 2, Report Says” reads another. “Apple likely to launch iPad 2 in March” from another. “Exclusive: Apple iPad 2 Event Set for March 2” elsewhere again. So, depending on whom you choose to believe, it’s either definitely launching, launching because somebody “says” it is, “likely” to launch, or “exclusively, definitely, positively (maybe)” launching. Which is it?

(Note: I’m not linking to those sites right now because they’re all just designed to generate clicks and eyeballs without so much as a shred of proffered “proof” at all. Most of them seem to be feeding off a single original report, although there’s a few out there that place the blame with Reuters.)

It could all be true. That is always possible. But it’s equally true that many of the same outlets were sure that there’d be some kind of launch event in January, to combat the hype coming out of CES for all the Android tablets. Then it was definite that we’d see an announcement from Apple in February, because, well, it was more than twelve months since the announcement of the original iPad, and Apple always updates its products on a twelve month cycle, regular as clockwork.

Except, you know, when it doesn't. Which just so happens to be all the time.

But speaking of Apple, I’m sure that Tim Cook and pals love all this media attention. Apple’s said exactly squat about the existence of a second-generation iPad. Nothing. Still, that hasn’t stopped the speculation, guesswork, half-truths and flat out fabrications from becoming headlines all on their own. If the guesswork is right, then Apple’s got itself some pre-launch hype for absolutely no work at all. If the guesswork is wrong, the sites involved look foolish and, hey, Apple’s got itself some pre-launch hype for absolutely no work at all. If it’s half right, then the sites involved can state that they “knew all along” which bits were definite, and Apple’s got itself some pre-launch hype for absolutely no work at all.

Pre-launch hype, it should be noted, that also takes away from the hype for any number of Android 3.0 tablets due shortly. I don’t know anything solid about the iPad 2, but I do know that Apple would be rather happy if you forgot that alternate tablet options exist at all. And that’s an exclusive bit of knowledge, revealed here for the very first time!

But I did promise you iPad 2 specifications, right? Well, thanks to a small metal owl on my verandah which has, by methods unbeknownst to me, become possessed by the spirit of renowned psychic The Amazing Criswell, I can reveal the exact details of the iPad 2 here, and right now. The owl’s been whispering in my ear and, while the iPad (first generation) auto-correct might have changed some of the notes I frantically scribbled, I’m quite sure this is what Apple will reveal for the iPad 2.

It’ll run on two A5 processors with a solar panel on the back that draws not only sunlight but also the blacklight used to hide the existence of fairies from the general public, giving it a running time of approximately 10,000 hours between recharges. The screen display will be holographic behind not one but seven layers of silicate photo-phosphorous-cyabromide plasticate, allowing it to measure in at only 0.07 of a micron thick, except for the dock connector. It will be available in purple or black, and have a distinct cinnamon tang. On command, it will also produce Froot Loops, but you’ll have to provide your own milk.

Now, if any of those details are in any way even slightly correct, don’t forget, I’m a genius. If they’re ever so slightly wide of the mark? Blame the stupid owl.

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